I was thinking. If we add up the total happiness of this world, versus all the grief, sadness, unhappiness, how would they come out to be?

    I'm depressed. Noah is not doing his homework at school, and he is moving too much in class, as usual. It pissed me off, and made me really feeling powerless. He is refusing to grow up, but I'm getting old, and nothing is being done. While I was feeling the blues, I start to wonder everyone I saw roaming around the campus whether s/he has a blue day also. I'm sure everybody has. I have long been convinced that there is nobody's life you would be willing to swap once you learn how messy and imperfect theirs is. Just like mine, just like yours.

    So if we ever add them all up, are there more happiness than unhappiness? On the one hand, we will all agree that happy time is much less than unhappy time in one's life. So it seems that by sheer number unhappiness will win. Then, when you are in love, the intensity of that happiness is so strong that it can probably offset a lot of unhappy days.

    But then, isn't there also a theory that people are more sensitive to loss than to gains? This would lead to the opposite conclusion that intensity of loss, thus unhappy days, more than that of happy days? Then, which is correct?

    I don't know. Blues, depression, frustration, days without excitement and without hope... it is certainly not fun.

    I try to picture a day by the Charles, watching sunset, watching people, watching geese flying by, watching the days go by. It's the same 24 hours like everywhere else on this planet. It doesn't change a thing, practically speaking. Will that really make a difference? If so, how different? and why different?

    I don't know. I guess people are yearning to a new environment, because, like taking vacation, you walk away from a set of life as if all the problems in that life can be ignored, made to disappear. Some of them will, actually, since new setting makes them not applicable anymore.

    Then, there are others, will not go away. They are more patient than we want them to be. They sit still, wait for you to come back, then reassert themselves in front of you, may not be all at once, but surely, persistently, stubbornly, like a trickle, they emerge silently onto the stage, even without a word, you know, it's there.

    I used to believe the total luck in one's life is a fixed number. Thus using it up front in your younger years will leave less for later, and vice versa. I wonder the total unhappiness in this world is a fixed number, too. Lovers generate happiness, few, but intense. The the same amount unhappiness is needed to counter balance them, spread out, like air, blanket many, maybe everybody, with a tint of blue.

    Like rain falling from sky, leave a few spots on everyone's t-shirt. Instead of being water, it's ink, permanent mark, a dot, tarnish a perfect white T, some finds it beautiful, some is annoyed, nobody has a detergent to wash it off.

    That's unhappiness, in life.

    — by Feng Xia


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