Haven't been a while since I wrote you anything. I'm listening to this movie while working, and felt I have something to say to you.
I want to say I'm sorry, sorry for being such a ass recently, for not speaking to you much these days anymore, for checked out from our family and am moving away. I'm sorry. I feel very very sad. I wanted to be nice, but there is something stuck in my throat, that made me not able to respond when you ask me question, when I should have said things to you and Noah in a nice way, to be patient with him, and you, and this family, and our situation.
I'm sorry. I don't have those anymore. I lost patience, lost willingness to save our marriage, lost courage to go through the thin and thickness of life with you as I have promised. Up to recent week I still though I had a chance to revive your feeling, and maybe you could turn around and realize how难得we had come along these many years, though filled with many happinesses, also moments of laugh, lightness, fun, love.
But I can't hold on to this wishful thinking any longer. Tian Wentong told me you two had a chat while in Beijing, and you have already determined back then. I don't mean to blame in any way. I just wished you could have told me this earlier. This is the same struggle I have had with you for the last five years, maybe even longer, that I just don't know what your thoughts are. I don't know whether it's my being insensitive thus missed all the signs and cues you must have had for me along the way. I honestly did not see them. I apologize that I haven't been smarter than I had been, so I could have been a good husband and partner, and could have avoided all these stressful days I have caused you and Noah. I'm sorry.
This is a lost battle. I don't know what could have saved us. I tried to get away, tried to find love, tried to come back, tried to heal myself with other women. In the end, I'm further and further away from you, and you are further and further away from me. I used to think I could not live without Noah. But now, I sometimes want to get away from him, too, and this thought scares me. I don't know what is going wrong with me. I'm sad, just sad. My brain is still spinning as fast as ever, but my feelings are cold, distant, and sad.
Pls don't blame this on the girls and women I met and brought into our life. If there were fault and penalty, I should be the one to bear. Period. They were all loving people with a warm heart and a lovely soul. I was not in a position to give them what they want. Yet I didn't resist their intimacy because they made me feel live again. I have been selfish in this regard; I wanted to. I know what I was doing, and I made the choices without regret. So whatever they lead to, such as the moment like right now, I should face it, deal with it, and live it.
I feel sorry these made you unhappy, if they did. I don't dare to guess such things anymore, because you are becoming a mystery to me. I don't even know whether you care, and if you do, why you care. It's still important to me, but I lost all touch of your inside, and thus am less than a stranger you are willing to chat on the street.
Such a long time, the past 9 years we somehow crawled through. I don't know who else can bear with me for this long, and give what you gave. I used to believe there must be someone who cherish what I have; but I am not confident of that anymore. I know I'll continue to meet someone. But the courage needed to tie a knot and to give promise is thinner than ever. This is sad. I yearn for companionship; yet, I fail over and over to live in one. What you and I had were the closest to a family life I had in mind. Love is like soil to me — one can live without, but one can't stand without.
I constantly think over the women I had in my life, lovable, beautiful, regretful. I did good with some, and failed with others. I had the best chance with you, yet here I am, finding a place for myself so we will call it over. Noah used to be a string attached me to this family so I will come back. But even he is becoming a lose string now. And I always know this is a losing battle if we just maintain the status quo — nothing will stop him from growing up and becoming more and more independent. This string that attaches you and me, will have be let go sooner or later. Then, what we two still have left to glue us together instead of drifting apart?
I am tired now, and am old now. I often think of death, and last days in my life, like a movie rolling in front of eyes. It is not scary, but too many regrets. I wish I could have known better back then, could have been less self-confident self-important self-centric back then, have been older, or younger, when I met you and them, could have had different personality and patience level when dealing with our issues back in 2012 and 2013, could have been nicer to Noah and you in recent months, could have been a less sentimental person, could have just been an asshole regular common averagely-educated pickup-truck-driving man so I don't feel or care that much.
I'm sorry I'm pulling away. There is nothing left for me to try. I
used to hate the idea that we are to pay two rents instead of one,
while these money could have been used for Noah's college fund, or a
nice decor in living room. But I realized how weak and unrealistic
such thought is — it's an engineer's urge for maximum efficiency
I guess. Since there are million other women I'm willing to look at
all live with their own rents and places,
low efficiency is the
reality, not the other way around. So what to deter us living in the
same pattern then? None. I realized that if we go apart, we each will
start to live our own life, and therefore there is no point to think
about the ridiculous
saving we could have achieved otherwise. How
slow am I to grasp this idea when it must have been completly obvious
to everyone? I wish this realization could have come earlier, so I
could have not dragged you along in the last 5 years and caused you
frustration and agony. I'm sorry. I'm learning, just always too late.
Our marriage is not nourished to either of us. Noah is not learning to communicate, to interact, to handle intimacy, to see a fun smiling parents together. I feel bad I didn't figure out, nor strong enough to come over this. I know all these will become so unimportant when another 10-20 years pass by, just like how we look at the things that bothered us to hell that many years back. Time doesn't heal; time doesn't make us forget either; time just makes sense less and less tender till it couldn't feel much anymore.
Hopefully I will find a place soon so you don't have to look at my temper and rudeness anymore. This place will still be yours, if it's ok with you. I wanted to have you pick one you like. But my strength and my wish to save our relationship burned out. I hate how I'm treating you and him. So I have to change this by staying away.
Thank you for the marriage, for tolerating me, for allowing me to stay with her last year, for putting so much in this family and Noah's life. I probably won't be able to shoulder much of your burden in the future anymore. So, take care. If in need, I'm still willing to help.
— by Feng Xia