Caught a full bag of stars. Last time I had this moment was in 2004 just before I was leaving for Beijing. Fourteen years later, there they are again, glittering, haven't changed.

    There must be an interlink between humans. I can't believe that a movie like Fahrenheit 11/9 would have made me to stop in the middle because, watching people cry is so, tough.

    I don't know. Does everybody feel this way, I wonder? I'm sure they do. We know movies are touching, so are some entertainment shows, that having somebody cry always make the audiences, weep, and freeze, and make the moment memorable. So this must be universal.

    What about in real life? I have seen people cry, someone close to me, some just strangers passing by, but why I feel more touched when watching them on screen instead of seeing them live? Is it the music? the story line? the close-up view angle that you don't get to see in reality? the moment of a sudden silence when movie maker removed all the background noise, no one talks, no one even moves, it is only this person, occupying the entire view of your eyes, who is, weeping, and even more so when s/he is trying to hold it back because of the camera — these, make the moment, so much more, powerful. So I feel touched, feel sad, feel the agony, the sympathy, the feeling to weep together... how strange!

    Then, there was she, the dearest to my soul, who cried and cried, and I felt nothing but guilt, a tremendous weight on my mind, on my heart, that I wanted to stop it, to stop whatever that caused her unhappiness, even if that means to fight the world, to die, or to leave. It's hard.

    I wish I could tear more, cause I know it carries your sadness out so you don't accumulate them inside. Yet, I can't. My mind is always so logical and calm that it hardly get to the point to tear. Yet, I am watching is documentary that isn't even a good one. But when the interviewee was crying, I felt this pain, so great, that I had to stop the movie and write these down! I guess that speaks that I still have some emotion left, that I am capable to be humane and to connect with someone. It's not kindness I would say; it's just human nature, that has not yet gone by grinding life. How much can we retain? and can we get it back later once we become, relaxed, different, or just passing the bump of that grinding life? I don't know. I hope they don't just ever reduce but can never be refilled. I hope not.

    Emotion, is indeed the only thing that defines a person, defines you, and me. Maybe, one day, we could save tears, save them, even on camera, or etching in mind, like I have done, that the same image will be replayed, over, and over, and over, as a reminder to yourself, that there is someone you can feel, there is some moments you don't forget, and there are tears that makes you cry, because you still love.

    — by Feng Xia


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