What is everybody looking for? Identity? I see people in the middle of the social rung are all searching for something. Waking up this morning and walking on the street, the place was certainly busier after the holiday, more ppl, more cars, more purpose. Do ppl at the bottom of the rung bother with a purpose in life? and if you look at the social spectrum, can I say there are only two ppl who are probably not bothered by this question — the two at each extreme of the spectrum, then everyone else fall into the middle, so called middle class? But I don't believe the richest of the rich is anxiety free either. He has his own problems, just that I don't know. It's too far away form the life I know of that the problem is keenly true to him, but irrelevant to me. Well, almost so, until by the pattern of history, his trouble and his struggle will flow into my life at some point and make my life uncomfortable, too. But that's like Nth degree of indirection. So as far as I'm concerned, his trouble stays in his life, and I get mine.

    I know everybody is looking for something. The most recent thought I have is that people are looking for an image of themselves, someone that they want to be, living the life they want to have. I can't say she is searching for the meaning of life. Life can be quite meaningless. After all it's a subjective judgement — yours vs. mine. Your life might be wonderfully exciting, to you, but quite meaningless, to me. So what is this image or life that everybody is looking for? I know everyone has a different opinion. But why two ppl will fall in love? Do they have a similar image of life in mind? At the moment of romance they certainly thought they do. But how come the images always become further apart after a while, even after they have been living together for a while, sometimes a long time? Did their images change? Why didn't they stay in sync? You would think that after they went through many things in common in their lives, they would now share more and more of the same projections of being, which I suppose should bring them closer and closer. But no. More likely they find each other's pitfalls that doesn't fit with the image, and the initial thought of similarity became conflict, and they walk apart, live apart, love apart. How sad. But why?

    I have been watching young lovers sitting at food table, while one of them would pull out the iphone (or whatever) and.. and there is no and. The person isn't really doing much actually. She (pardon me, let me use "she" for the convenience of writing) will scroll, scroll, chat, chat, flip from screen to screen, click an icon to launch an app, shut it down after maybe 10 secs, flip, flip, click another icon, launch back the chat, no message, switch..... that's really boring! and she is really bored! And the guy would be on his phone, playing games? chatting with friends? or doing same boring finger dance?

    I don't get it. When two ppl spending time together at breakfast or dinner, it's a commitment to me, that I'm willing to spend these minutes of my life, with you. I have so much to say, to comment, to share with you, just watch the ppl coming in and out this place, aren't they fascinating? The girl standing at the corner has a wonderful legs. The guy ordering food has obnoxious attitude, and he didn't bathe before leaving home this morning, how can any girl want to touch or kiss him? but then his wife (or gf, or whatever) has a nice dress, and they have a baby! How could that be? Doesn't the woman deserve someone, better? but she looks, satisfied, and bored? And I like watching you, with your fine hair, your eyes sparkling with you, the only sparkle you can have, and how wonderful this is.... there are just sooooo much to talk about, to go around, to spend this time, together, truly, together, not just two well-known-to-each-other strangers each owns a fancy mobile phone. For God sake anyone can own a phone like that if s/he chooses so, but not everyone can spend the time with her, with him, with you.

    I heard the sign of lost love and lost passion is when two have nothing to talk about. How sad, the sound of silence. Not that there isn't all the interesting things around, they are still there. But you mentally shutdown and are not willing to open up your mind anymore. Why? Because the other person doesn't agree with you? and the conversation turns into an argument which you don't want to repeat for the thousandth time? what about the image of yourself now? What is the image you have in mind? someone who is looking for an applause, a supporter, a fan? If so, isn't it rather childish to think that way? or is it? Doesn't everybody wants to be agreed upon, especially by the one who is the closest? wait, didn't that person become the closest to you because s/he used to agree with you, all the time? So what you are truly looking for is the sense of recognition then. Is it replaceable by something else other than the person sitting next to you? Why s/he carries so much weight and you are so eager to get his/her approval? What if one day s/he challenges you? will you feel abandoned? is that how breakup works?

    Too many questions, zero answer. It's ok. One thing I know is that time is the most precious gift one can give. Time is given to everyone, but no one can make more. If I spend these seconds with you, that's what I want to have, want to have you in my life, want to have the memory of you in my life, want to take over the many seconds of your life too. My life becomes shorter, so is yours, and we both give a few seconds of ourselves, to each other. Isn't it better than any gift or present or handbags or roses or whatever?

    If you still love, even just yourself, give the piece of your life to that person, whose hand you just held, whose night you just spent with, whose skin you just touched, whose name you just said, whose smell you just can't forget, whose will to share that segment of memory with you, fully. Don't busy yourself with the boring phone, really. If you have the power to revert time or wipe it clean afterwards, your time is actually more than what I can imagine. But for now, if you are a walking body with all the fits and emotions and desires like I have, please, look at him, look at her, how wonderful that is, that this human being, also chose to have you, in memory, in life, in time.

    — by Feng Xia


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