I start to understand now, better perhaps, than before, that what self-esteem feels like, and why women have this anxiety of so.

    With aging I start to notice that hair is becoming less, and this has been bothering me for the last few weeks when I started to notice it. Not that I'm going bald or anything, just that comparing to what I had, it feels, less.

    Then, all of sudden, I start to realize this is exactly how women feel all along in their life, that they want to lose weight, they want to look young! I have always laughed at such attempt, calling it a lost battle because there is really no point of trying so, for that first of all it doesn't really change who they are, no man is going to love or not love you just because you have a few extra pounds. Actually, most of them who are bothered by their "weight" look just fine, really, in my eyes at least, there is not obesity or anything even close to that mark, so the crying is more like a crying wolf to me, and probably to most men! and also, honestly even though all men love girls in their young 20s, grown ups also understand that what is important is who you are, is the mind, not the body, and the desperation of making the face look young will only make the wrinkles on the neck or hand even more standing out ← it's like that empire who walks around naked but may be having a perfect hairdo, so what's the point.

    But now, I think I see better. All these, regardless it's hair, or wrinkle, or weight, or whatever that may be bothering you, the underline message is the same, that there is something you don't have control over (aging, after all, is the most natural outcome one can expect, besides death, and arguably tax, but that's a man-made thing so I would discount it some, thought it's the most surely thing, and the most annoying thing!), and it is in a conflicting course of an image you would like yourself to possess.

    So there are two folds of this line — an image you project for yourself, and a unstoppable force to destroy that image. Rationally if the force is beyond one's control, the only alternative is to change the projection, isn't it!? But here where human mind gets tangled and anxious. We are so clinging onto that projection that our entire so called self-esteem is based on it, and without self-esteem, well, the life is really like a house of cards — it collapses by taking just one card away, especially one from the bottom, such as this self-esteem thing.

    It's lucky for men, most of them, that they are so immature in their young that they all feel great about themselves, had an illusion that they are the most handsome, coolest guy, by looking into a mirror to admire one's face, hair, or expansive car, or sport, or just that man's organ, while at the same age, women, on the other hand, are living in anxiety for their weight, for their under-developed or over developed breast, for their "imperfect" figure, for not having that handbag, or a lip stick, or a coat that fits this year's fashion, and so on ← so the feeling of anxiety starts much much much earlier for women than for men, how unfortunate this is!

    But then, this long agony of living with anxiety also make women, wiser, more mature, and more self-aware. Many men, even in their 30s, 40s, or even older, live like a kid who never grew up — they take themselves to be the center of the universe, and live by their imaginary image, perfectly in peace, and proud of themselves, while their wives, girlfriends, lovers, mistresses, daughters, see through all these and are in struggle to fight off the uncomfort such realization brings.

    Jessie said that ignorance is a bless. Indeed. If only I could always live in such a bless, by not knowing so much, not thinking so much, not being so self-aware, life would be a much happier journey than me now worrying about such a nuance as a hair! Yes one can also argue that this is only so because I'm not wise enough to think OVER these thoughts. Once I become truly wise, such thing certainly doesn't bother me a bit anymore.

    Well, true and true. At the meantime, I'm also thinking, if anxiety has made women a smarter group comparing to men, maybe, it's a good thing to have → that I'm not bloated to believe in that I'm the handsomest person on earth, and will become humble, truer of who I am, what I can and can not do, and in the end, a more honest person, I hope, than without such pain.

    I don't know. Giving up a self-made image is hard. I don't think we need to. But we can look back to ourselves in a better mirror, though you don't look good in that mirror, it's one better than fooling ourselves, or being fooled — we are all, and just, who we are, no more, and no less. At least, that's what others see.

    — by Feng Xia


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