Have you had a funny feeling on someday, that something is happening, to someone, someone that jumps to your mind at the first thought when you had that feeling? That's how I felt today. I don't know what it is. If looking at this line I just wrote, I would have criticized that this is complete pointless statement because it is always, true — yes, something is always happening, to someone, and yes there might be one who jumps to your mind, but then, isn't it just coincidence!? I would say so.

    But, but, this is, somehow, different. It is a feeling of someone, that, someone, that you know you care about, you worry about, you think of, and you want to know, to find out, to hear from, to be next to. That the thought that something is happening to him/her makes you, uneasy. Maybe it's just being selfish, but maybe, it's just that, you care.

    I do. I care, even though it's as remote as I care about a star traveling too fast in space and will burn out a million years too soon — the star flies along, with or without me sitting here to worry about it, and it burns however it feels so, with or without me having a feeling or another. Its life will take its course, and it has nothing to do w/ me, w/ mine.

    Yet, I look at this star, somewhere, there, and I can't help thinking of it, wishing it would be alright, wishing it would be safe, sound, happy.

    Coming back from gym, a guy was walking in front of me. Nothing special, just another ordinary mid-age guy. Suddenly I was thinking, doesn't he also have someone on him mind, in his heart, that he hold dear, like me holding you? Why not? Shouldn't anyone have such a person to cherish? Wouldn't anyone have one s/he loves, loved? Why should I be anything special? In their eyes, amn't I just another ordinary guy walking on the street, maybe even somewhat repulsive, self-important, and terrible to deal with? If so, wouldn't it make that missing you is really the worst I could do, because you deserve so much more that what I have ← you should be with, should be missed by, someone, extraordinary, someone far better, far smarter, far talented, than I am.

    I wish I could write these to you, and you can read it someday. There are so much that come through my mind each day, sometimes each moment, that I could only speak to you as if you lived inside me, like an inner voice, that you could hear, and you could understand. Yet, it's so unlikely that you will ever see all these, probably wouldn't care anyway. It's ok. So to only jog down these words that have occurred to me, while I'm walking in the sun during a chilly Spring Friday, sitting at this (fake) Starbucks in the office when the area is unusually quiet, caught in between the morning coffee rush and the lunch crowd, listening to a song I have listened many many many time, and having you on my mind, to think of, to talk to, to feel, that something is happening in your life, that can still disturb my soul, makes me sad, makes me uneasy, makes me wonder.

    Just an ordinary day, for this world. But never an ordinary day, for me, because you are always, special. So the star that flies by, travel safe, burn safe, live safe. Wherever you are, I will miss you; whatever is happening, I will be on your side.

    — by Feng Xia


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