Hard to believe, the guy is 10 years old now. I can still feel the day, the day that he was coming to this world, and the day it was a hot summer day, and I was biking between hospital and home. He came at 1pm, the same time when my brother passed away. I joked that he was him reborn into this family. This gave my moom, and everyone in the family, a comfort, that he is back to us again, in Noah's body, and will be loved and cherished and spoiled, as if it is a second chance for everybody, like a lost, found.
I wanted to believe that myself, too. I missed Lei. It is becoming less frequent now that I will think of him. But he is still there. I wish there were more I could have done at the time, to ease his pain. I wish I had been more mature, more independent, and more thoughtful, and more wise perhaps, to know what to do, and to do what is well, and right. Yet, time is indeed a passing river, never stops for anyone, for any soul... how funny this is! that time is purely a human invention, yet, we are so at the mercy of it, that we could only look at it with a deep sigh, and nothing, absolutely nothing, we can do about it.
I told Noah many times that there are many things I can help him with, but there is one thing nobody can give him more, and that is time. I was saying so to get him some sense of time. But it is true. Time flies, life is like a summer, with a flash, the summer of life is gone. I start to feel the age, start to see that the summer of my life is at its end, and it does feel rather sad. Then, here is Noah, double digit now, and this summer has felt really short. People say time starts to accelerate once kids are growing up. If only, that mine would stand still, then let theirs go by as quickly as they will, turning 10 is a big deal I think, because he is now a teen, and he starts to have a lot of thought of him own these day.
Q: what's your darkest hour? A: when I was doing my homework when I was little.
Q: did you meet your new teacher? A: yeah Q: what's her name? A: don't remember Q: ..... what is she like? A: don't know Q: .... 她多大了？ A: don't know Q: ... 和妈妈比呢？ A: ... 她比妈妈小。 Q: how do you know? A: because, 她没有妈妈高。 Q: <无语> hahahhaha........
He is really funny sometimes. So big guy, happy birthday! I don't know how long I can accompany you. It's God's will, so I wouldn't guess. So far, I have enjoyed you very much. Though there are endless headaches, and frustrations, and such. I wouldn't say it's all worth it; it's all part of you, and I start to accept them, as they are, and I do love you and care about you very much, as you are.
— by Feng Xia