There is magic in music. There is.

    I'm listening to this song, a song I have never heard of, and the singer I have never heard of. Yet, it makes me so sad, so sad. It's not the words, not the performance, not the story in a MTV, it's just the, notes, the music.

    What is it in music, that I can always feel so touched!? so connected!? This is the song she introduced me to. I have never heard of this till that day, and what a surprise to me. I should have known.

    No words can describe a music. It is, choking, when a song touches your soul. I think the moment of 2006 when Lei passed away is as fresh as that day. There was a line in the song that 我们最好的朋友昨天晚上 走了 ... this, is like yanking me out of space, out of time, back to the day he left. How strange, I was just thinking of him this morning, wondering, for the millionth time, there were anything I could have done, to have changed all these.

    I don't know. Life is hard. Getting old is hard. Being old will be even harder. I'm afraid. I don't want to, I don't feel I have the strength to pull it through to the end, wherever the end might be. Many many times I have dreamed of a diagnosis of some kind of terminal ill that I then know my end is coming, is near. It's actually comforting to know it's going to, end.

    I admire those people who keep to be optimistic, to be hopeful, to look forward to a change, to a dream. I don't have those anymore. When did I change? I don't know. Could I have been different? what am I? I thought I have been true to myself. But if this is the true of me, then the path has indeed been designed to be a tough one.

    I should really be grateful, for I have owned so much, got so much, been given so much. Human is insatiable, I guess, so am I. It's not greed, well, it is, a form of greed, greed of love, greed of affection, greed of understanding. It is, so like everyone else, like the eternal truth, that greed.

    So. If you feel you lost your way, lost the memory, lost the voice to speak to yourself, listen, listen, it passes your heart, squeeze so hard, that you will bleed, will feel pain, will then, remember.

    — by Feng Xia


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