I don't know. All of a sudden while walking back from gym to office, I felt this moment of, emptiness. Really. It's a sensation I never had before. It's not a strong feeling, but distinctly there, that life is blank, meaningless.
I lost the touch of what it is for, what there is to looked forward to, what is in there for me. The sky is blue, temperature comfortable, nothing dramatic in life, everyday is a routine. Why I had this feeling then?
I missed you a lot today. I wanted to write you something. But we are
soo far apart now, I don't even know what to call you anymore. I feel
awkward to begin a letter, though I so want to chat with you, to learn
what you are up to, how life has treated you, and whether you are
happy. I'm worried. There have been many disturbing nights I dreamed
of you. Waking up in the middle of night, I wanted to talk to you,
hear your voice, to know you are ok. But then, I'm also afraid. I
shouldn't interrupt your quiet life. You should live the way you want
to, and secretly I'm still hoping that someday I will get a message
from you, even just a
hi, so I know you have not forgotten me.
Is this silly? or just too idealistic? I don't know. This is part of me I can not change I guess. I have always been living in this idealistic world, in which there is no BS, no pretense, no self-importance, no so called conventional wisdom that 5-year apart is an ideal for a couple ← BS! total BS. Age should never be a factor to determine. After all, how many can you meet in life? and why age gap is anything but an invention of human since time itself is nothing but an invention? Further, why age is so important when we are young, yet when I get to 60s, suddenly I can marry someone in 40s and everyone will just be ok!? But it's 10+ years of gap! Why is it ok then, but not now?
I hate this type of social norms. To me, they are not norms at all. They are sayings inherited from past but no one has questioned its standing, and everyone accepts it on face value. Sad. This leads all kinds of unhappiness for individuals whose heart says otherwise. This same bond has an effect on me also, that I felt uncomfortable w/ you because you are so young, so beautiful, so perfect. I wish I could live out of these things I hate. Yet, myself is caught in it and could not get away. How sad really! I guess I'm not really as strong as I picture myself to be, or wish myself to be. It takes two to make a couple. I think you did fine, it's me who is still a slave of convention.
I don't know. Thinking of you fills my morning in many days. It's bitter an sweet. I try to sense you in this universe, try to feel how you feel. I can't seem to know anymore.
It's a life, without meaning, when you are not there.
— by Feng Xia