Walking back from gym a moment ago, passing the 奈何桥 I was always joking about with her back then. Nice, cool late Spring day, beautiful weather, beautiful sunshine, beautiful sky, almost beautiful day. Out of the glittering sun reflection off the pond, there was this lazy dark patch floating over there — a turtle, just enjoying its time, like I felt.

    I was watching it, and immediately the thought came to me, that probably like everyone else who, if had watched this scene, would have thought, that if only my life is like this guy, just taking time floating in this peaceful pond, enjoying the weather, enjoying the life, how nice would that be!

    Then, I realized that, with earphone plugged in, I was also listenning to Mozart's Minuet in D, that is now the tune that I have played many many times for Dad in 泰康 in his room, that I found peaceful, relaxing, and beautiful. But then, the turtle had no such tune — however he was enjoying his time, he has no Mozart.

    So really, the perfect life I was thinking, and probably true to many who felt that way relating this turtle, but without realizing, is that we want to be like the turtle, having a good time in this pond, not rushing, but also, having Mozart by our ears, or a big ass TV playing your favourate show, or some food to fit your appetite, or a lover to satisfy your emotion or your body, or a good job or title to meet your ego and monetary goal, or a car you picture yourself to race on the road or drive by your ex- whatever, or a clothes that makes you look like that exact picture in Vogue, or a handbag (which is a topic I have really little clue why it's good, how it is good, and honestly I couldn't tell the difference. Period.)...

    So really, we are all after, is a combination of a lot of things, a lot of conditions that need to be TRUE, at the same time, all be there, all be available, all be playing out, all be present, all be yours. This is not greed. This, is life, or be more precise, an image of life, that you put yourself in, imagining you being the character in that picture, in the center — the center of the scene, the center of the story line, the center of that comedy or tragedy, the center of all the attentions, the center of the playwright, the center of that composed, virtual, but also sooo real, universe.

    How interesting. I have always had the feeling that sometimes I felt this entire life thing, the desire I feel, the disappointments I had, the frustration, or happiness, are all nothing but a projection out of my mind. Not that they are thus changeable by just switching your mindset/prospective. Quite the contrary, they take a life sooo strong in their own that they overwhelmed me to the point that sometime I felt life was too hard to continue, and sometimes too beautiful to let go → thus, lost in between, start to wonder what is real, what is truly the meaning of all these, are these really, necessary, inevitable, or just a made up by myself, like a self-entertainment. But then, I were the director of all these, feelings, why can't I control it, make them, different, remove the parts I don't like, and leave the parts I do like? Wny can't I!? why can't we!?

    The turtle floated towards me slowly, as if it noticed my watching, but decided to went back into the water and disappeared. Maybe it has his tune of Mozart, maybe it doesn't really care about Mozart at all, like I don't care a bit of that fish he finds it hot, or that piece of mud hole he calls home. Maybe, he is not that enjoying the day at all, but like some colleagues smokeing in the smoke area, just taking a smoke break, or a coffee break, so the turtle is taking its whatever break!?

    Maybe. I don't know. I would not ever know. But one thing I do know, and I felt it, again, uncontrollable, like all the other emotions I wish to get rid of but can't, or the ones I wish to stay but sometimes hard to find again — I miss you, wish you were here, so I could tell you about my thoughts of this turtle, and you will nod, or ignore, or just play your phone, or just doing nothing. But no matter. You will be here, next to me, and that, is my dreamed life.

    — by Feng Xia


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