Maybe it's the travel, maybe it's the stress of my dad's worsening health condition, maybe I'm tired from all these and trying the impossible without knowing the loss is done already. But I know why I'm sad. The life went the way I hoped but myself couldn't bear the thought nor the future. What is wrong with me!? Why cannt I stand by a thought and take its consequence instead of saddening when it is lost but cannt hold on when it's there?

    There hasn't been a movie touched me like this for a long time. But this one hit me to the core. I don't know. Why cannt people hold on to love and go through the so called realities and come out cherishing each other more? Shouldn't the common struggle and experience and the talk and the happy and unhappy moments become a milestone that marks the path both have walked, together? How many times can you really walk with someone so close, so intimate, so letting all guards down, weaving the image into a future that two, instead of one, are in it?

    I hate the ending of this movie. I just hate it. Fxxk reality, fxxk success. It means nothing, absolutely nothing, to me if success is here and the person I cherished is gone. What is the point? whom are you showing the trophy to? who has been cheerleading you and give you the strength and courage to get you where you are? I guess there are people in life whose appearance is to bring something good out of you, then their job cease to exist and they fade away. But why!? why!? why!? If you are becoming a better person because of this mate, then what is so better of your becoming if you take a separate path now in life? Why? Wouldn't it be better than you can stay with the soulmate or the make-you-a-better-person person so you two continue to produce the better self and learn from each other? Why stop?

    I truly don't understand. But this is a movie that made me cry and to write this journal so I will ask myself later what was sad about it and why cannt I be over it. No I cant.

    Love, is the wonder in life. Without it, life is ugly, vain, and pain.

    I don't know. I only know one way to love, to carry the weight in heart, so heavy sometimes, so full that it flows and pours and gives. Yet, the weight becomes so stressful to another party that it becomes the reason of its end.

    So the la la land, is a land of regrets, is a land of nights that the only way to go through it is to forget, to look back, to write, to cry.

    I'm scared now. I cant do this anymore. La la land, pls let me go.

    — by Feng Xia

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