How curious! Human, I do mean the general population whom I observe in various settings, always get excited by a thing, a place, another person, that has practically speaking nothing to do with him/her, but yet, they are so eager to make a connection with that thing, that place, that person, that they even feel proud!

    You bet. Any idol groups can testify this — you idol has developed a skill, whether it's dance, or look, or scandal, or talent, or hoax, is really, his/her doing. But when you are labeling ourself that "yes I love you! I'm your no. #1 fan!", well, what does it give you anything, I mean, anything, in reality, but a virtual link that you know this person (sure, and love this person), but the harsh reality is, this person, your idol, do not know you, and whatever s/he has developed, was probably caused by you (or people like you), but do not belong to you, nor will give it you. If you are even willing to go the distance that "oh s/he is sharing this with fans", or that "s/he actually knows who I am", wonderful! But again, I would argue that this is the same logic as those terrible 富二代 ← they are so proud of their wealth, but they didn't earn a dime that they are squandering. I guess the only thing they deserve to be proud of is that they had luck to be born in a rich family. Well, luck is important I admit.

    The same saying goes when 袁老师 criticizes those people who are proud of a mountain or a lake that their area has &larrr; God has placed such wonder there, which really had nothing to with you (well, in all cased, the creation was done without ever had you in mind, don't you agree!?) So what's for you to be proud of!? What can make you proud, however, should be something coming out of yourself, based on your own effort, even be it a extreme luck, that you moved a finger, and caused it to happen, such as education, such as being a good flute player, or a runner, or a kind-hearted person, or being brave, having integrity, being honest... something, something of you, that you have struggled with, battled with, worked on. The rest — beauty, look, smarter brain, better hair, taller in height, quicker in reflex, better in weight (or worse in weight) ← all these, were born with, that you did not have a say in making that decision. Nature did. So there isn't really anything you can feel proud of (or ashamed of). Period.

    But then, we all want to be connected with someone, something, extraordinary — "I know who and who", "Yeah I use that app (long before they got popular)" "I read a great book (written by whom and whom)" "I love his movie/music/muscle/moustache".... as if now, we are part of that ring, that circle,that we now share the fortune and fame and good luck and whatever! We are so uncomfortable with ourselves that we have to prove ourselves only through a reflection of such claims. Why!?

    Don't we all also struggle to buy a unique piece of cloth, or a unique talent, or an above-average something, anything, so to be outstanding, standing out, different!? Then why bother to associate with any of these other stuff as if they are also defining you!? Why, do we need an identity, at all!? Just to know who I am? what I should do? What if I just don't know who I am!? what if I just got a wrong answer but not knowing it for the rest of life? what if I change identities once a while, or all the time? Does it, then, change anything!?

    We all know names are just made up labels. People who believe a good name can bring (or change) one's life is quite, optimistic, and probably will always be true — life is indeed a butterfly effect, you never know what a dial will make some part of your life vibrate, shaping up, or shaping down. There is no turning back, and there is no peek into the future. Every step, every decision, every moment, every thought, every move, every blink, every breath, is a blow into this mystery that can change your course. How scary! and how powerless!

    Just learned a phrase that anger is because you are mad at your own's incompetency. Very true. I feel angry, sad, depressed, frustrated these days. Often they felt it's someone else's fault that caused all these — pretty much the same argument Noah gave me when he is caught doing something wrong. Yet, in reality, it's me being angry at myself for being so powerless to change, to influence, to make things happen (the way I wish), to be with the person I love, to take care the people I care, to be nice and forgiving to many, to be happy with myself. Indeed, the feeling this powerless sense is the root of anger.

    So, it seems human are destined to be angry, if one chooses to be objective. Alternatively, let's (pretend to) define an identity, by associating myself with something, great, somewhere, great, someone, great, to think about it, even the volunteer work I'm thinking to do, isn't it just another thing I'm trying to be associated with, as part of my identity!?

    Siqi said she is often influenced by people around her. I used to think she will grow out of this. Now, I would say, there is no growing out of it ← I'm needing an identity too, by deflecting all these external things onto myself. We can't live without a self-image, I guess. We, maybe, can choose the mirrors to use. But even that, is shaky. I always worried that she will be surrounded by people I don't think they deserve to be near her. But what do I know? My mirrors are not necessarily better, and the bottom line, I don't know what identity she wants.

    If beggars can not be choosers, then we are all just begging for an identity, and we don't get to choose which. We can work hard to be a good student, to have good education, to be smarter than what nature gives us, to be a good person. Not that you can choose to be one, but you ended up having a few good mirrors around, and that makes you, look better.

    — by Feng Xia


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