I think, well, actually not that I think, I feel, I feel it with me, that I have grown very much impatient with Noah's mom now. This is really sad. I think there is something up to her life recently, too — she was not being patient with Noah, actually I would say less patient with him than I do these days even. I don't know. It could be just a period, but then, it's not like her.
Then, I got a phone call from our contractor asking about the vanity doors. Honestly I haven't seen them much since they were removed, and have little idea where they are. Yet, just from the conversation I picked up from her this weekend, I had a faint idea of what happened to it, and of course, a phone call verified the hunch.
This makes me wonder, why so? and does it matter at all? and why do I get upset? First of all, the matter is such a minor case that it doesn't lend itself to a reason to frustrate. Yes it is an inconvenience; nah, it doesn't hurt things I deem important, the place will come together, the contractor will be a bit upset (but then he is always a bit upset, as a technique I believe), and the harmony or the feeling of peace of mind is certainly more important than a missing vanity door, which is being disregarded anyway. So why do I feel upset, at least at that moment?
I think what really upset me, is the thought that this is a case proving my bias that she has a terrible judgement. This is too strong a word and statement, and I feel actually quite uncomfortable with it as I don't even use them on people who really pissed me off. Yet, that's how I feel, about her. I don't know how to describe it, nor having a clear thoughts on what it means. It's a feeling, a confession, an, even I would say a guilty expectation, that she will make such a fall. This is not fair to her at all! But why can't I check myself when it comes to her case!? I feel I'm just chanting the thought that "you are wrong you are wrong you are wrong..." until, as sure as it must be eventually (as anything could possibly be, after all, no one, nothing, is perfect anyway!), she will be wrong — isn't this the same that I always look at China's booming economy with a pessimistic view, until someday it proves this case and I will be like, "ah ha, I knew it!"
But seriously, this is such a bad way to look at things! This is just, dark! This makes me actively seek for faults in these negative views so to prove the view itself, therefore it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy! This is just, terrible, unfair. What kind of person am I?
But why!? is that because I have already determined her image therefore seeking to prove it? or, taking the China economy as the case, that fundamentally I feel left-out without being benefitted? What if I were the lucky one who came out on top of the ride? Would I still be as biased and unfair as I am today!? Isn't the view that I'm holding against her really roots in the fact that I have lost her on the way but I'm still viewing myself in a light of being worthy having!? What happens if I adjust my own view so that she made the right decision to leave, and I am not worth her time anymore!? But then, who wants to admit that to oneself!? or to live with this view!? Because I think this just leaves to elimination of self-confidence, which then leads to depression, then to, what, death!? If you don't think of yourself worth having, man, that just can't be good.
And also, why you want to think that way anyway!? You are not that good, but not that bad either. Objectively speaking, you two are just growing apart. Why being resentful, being unfair, being upset!? I don't get upset much by any stranger having a terrible judgement, why is it different on her case then? Doesn't it mean that I still view her not as another stranger yet? or even worse, I view her as a stranger that is worse than an average one, because I think I know she could have done better?
Maybe that's why. Like the frustration logic, it's the false feeling of control and expectation that leads me to this. But then, the only alternative, if a peace of mind is the goal, is not caring anymore. And with Noah and fluffies attached to this relationship, it is an impossibility. So really people get upset about a mistake or an error is that they extrapolate that onto something or someone they actually do care about. If there is a distance between that mistake and the caring target, it becomes pretty easy to visualize that the more extrapolation one does, the more likely it will reach a point touch those target, therefore leading to upset.
So with this, I can see that being upset of someone is indeed unfair! You are the one doing the extrapolation. How far you care that logic is completly up to you. The person who has done something, whether good or bad, has no control, but the perception of that act is being depending on your degree of extrapolation now. So it is unfair to blame at all; you already choose to blame and are only seeking evidence to support your conclusion by extrapolation until that act touches something you care. You could have also chosen to stop the extrapolation short, as we often say "taking the matter as it is", don't over-extrapolating things.
But either way, if one takes a view of an action never in light of how it is going to impact me or someone I care, then, there will be nothing left to be cared about, and one becomes a cold-hearted, souless, walking dead. That's a doom, too.
Man, this logic, is actually very depressing, indeed.
— by Feng Xia