I have been listening to this midnight talk show by this woman/girl for the last few weeks on and off, and found it quite fascinating, not that it's sentimental and discussing the eternal topic of love that is guaranteed to acquire attention and discussion and audience. I found it interesting because there are so many of this type of programs out there, and they all sound the same — same opening line, same background music, same speed of speech, and sometimes I even feel they have the same text(!)

    But what's the most fascinating thing is, this woman's opening line, " 嘿,睡了吗?"... first time hearing it, I felt a tiny bit strange, though it feels pretty typical for program like this, reminds me the 相伴到黎明, a program I liked in college days. But, it daunted on me what's so strange about this line while doing dinner last night.

    This seems to be a question of Yes or No. But, it can only have one answer! — if you are asleep, you won't hear it! thus, will not respond! Only the one who is still awake, will be able to answer, if at all!!

    You know, this can be argued as another example of oxymoron, like that "life after death". This makes me really wonder just how bizzare and being the root cause of all misfortune that human language really is — I have a strong feeling that language, is like arts, like the building in Kenneth Clark's Civilization, is the exact reflection of that era, that society, that group of people, the mindset, the logic, the emotion, and the outcomes that we are now calling them,history.

    Just by the front entrance of build 7 today, Scott was speaking to his colleague, a black woman, whom I have seen but never spoke to, and they walked to a different direction when Scoot and I greeted each other. The woman was in tears.

    I don't know what is happening. But seeing someone, even a stranger, in tears, makes me sad, makes the heart skip a beat, and makes me want to reach out, sit down with that person, offer him or her something, something comforting, something warm, something to calm down, something to assure that everything, will be alright.

    Yesterday while walking back from gym, I saw the cleaning girl standing by the building, just standing there. I was wondering, doesn't she, like me, like everything else I'm sure, that has a love in life, a love she had but not being together anymore, a love she memorizes sometimes, at night, and feeling a pain still inside? I'm sure everyone has. But then, why am I so tangled with the memories I have? the love I had? the person I missed? This is such a universal situation, such a common and general scenario, such a sure thing, then why, do we still struggle with it? have no solution to it? have no resolution to it? and have no way out of it once you are, in?

    This, is truly a mystery, a sad, mystery.

    Human emotion啊, when can we know what it really is? can we ever come out of the love agony? can we ever master one's memory — didn't I create it at the first place!? then why, it takes on its own life after creation, comes and goes at its own will, and runs wild, from one extreme to another, making me like a boat caught in a storm in the sea, up and down, up, and down, up, and down.

    Searching for "how many emotions are there" didn't give me an answer at all. Somewhere says there are four basic ones, and there are 42 muscles to compose them. I guess there isn't really a sure agreement yet.

    But it's there, so dominant, so central, so long lasting, so defining, so real, that, one can only cope with, when it hits, and wish to come out, alive. Honestly, sometimes, I wish, I will never come out, because missing someone again, for one day, is worse than being alive.

    Don't you think?

    — by Feng Xia


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