I'm getting used to getting up early to feed them. But I still can't get used to not thinking of you, when I'm awake, when I'm lying there in an early winter morning like this. Where are you?

    I don't know where you are anymore, nor hear from you of anything in your life. Sometimes I feel quite upset about this, that I'm now out of your life, maybe even for the rest of it, that I am nothing but a stranger to you, like million others in that city, in this world. Yet, you are not someone whom I only bump into on a street. The days, the moments kept coming back to me, day and night.

    I haven't had a nice afternoon nap like yesterday for a long time. Noah and his mom were at church. Waking up, a room filled with cozy sunshine, and zhu wawa cuddling next to me, twisting left and right, as if don't know how to show off his cuteness and his yearning for love anymore, stretching stretching, he put his soft paws over my mouth, as if to say "don't say anything"... it was a moment I felt genuinely happy, a life with loved one near by, no more, no less. All of sudden, I realized one thing, that happiness only exists in moments, and a moment can only be counted in a split of second, then disappears, becoming a past, becoming only a memory one could think of, but never able to keep.

    I miss you, my dear sunshine, wherever you are, I miss you. I miss the evening when we sat on top of 南山 watching the city lights under our feet, miss the day we went out for a day tour roaming around the city, ended up climbing this little hill and finding a temple with no other tourist but us, and you tripped on a stair, and I pretended we were shooting a movie scene, how funny that was! I remember you holding a stick in hand like a little boy with his sword marching on, remember arcades when you raced against a group of teenager boys who must have been fascinated by having someone like you to join.

    You are special. No matter how hard I tried to leave you, to put these moments to rest, they will not go. There is nothing I can do about. They are here, to stay. If unhappiness are simply longer, more, than those happy moments, then happiness has to be sharper, stronger, to balance, and that's what they are — these memories, these moments when I see them like a movie playing in my head, scene by scene, over and over and over, is what keep me warm, keep me sane.

    Darkness is all over me; you, gave me light.

    — by Feng Xia


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