I feel caught in a turmoil the last couple weeks that I had to deliver this BOM while I know nothing about, and had to deliver a schedule which many works have not even been defined, to determine a list of designs which no one else is looking at or willing to do, and to decide what to do with my life which has rekted in pieces, and I have no clue of what to do w/ it.

    I miss Dad, miss her, miss the days I was happy, miss when Noah was little, miss biking around the Charles and watch the sunset, miss the moment we were sitting on top of 南山 that evening, watching the city lights and breathing the summer breeze, miss the time in Sanyo center overseeing the unnamed bay in Kobe, what a wonder ocean is! miss the time Elaine introduced me this beautiful song then which till today I know not the name nor the singer, but its tune by heart, miss the mini karaoke in Shenzhen's arcade when she sang a song while I was listening, miss the minutes I was leaning on Ray's tomb in this cold winter day, just him and I, I played my music, which I know he would laugh at me again if he were there, yet it was a music in the all yard, sunny, cold, winter day, so out of tune, so out of place, so warm, lively, and peace.

    I feel sad, maybe it's just depression again. It comes in waves. On some days it was bad, then hope and happiness kicked in in others, and life became endurable again.

    Why is missing somebody so hard? Why is it that we will miss somebody, some days, some moments, some blinks in life, and they will never fade? I don't know whether it's just me or it's a human trait ← I always feel I'm living in the past. I always tried best to be nice and to appreciate the present. Yet, things inevitably slip into a past term, left me with nothing but a tremendous ocean of sadness and memory.

    But in memory, she lives, safe and sound, immune to time, immune to all the bad things in life, immune to hardship, forever young, forever lovely, forever beautiful, forever close by.

    — by Feng Xia


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