I don't know how to put today. Another Friday, sunny, humid, hot.

    This is the last day for many who were affected from last round of layoff. Ran into a couple people I know yesterday and this morning. Though I barely know any of them personally or through work. Nonetheless, they are familiar faces, and seeing something, someone, familiar to disappear from your life must be, and is, sad. I sat down with them to exchange emails, phone numbers, talked to them about the hirings our team is looking for, encouraging them to send me their resume and I will forward them, and can certainly provide more information regarding these positions and the project if they are interested in — I just wish there were something I could do, to make their life better? or to just soften the blow? am I again guessing their feelings based on mine, which, on the bright side, is called sympathy, on the flip side is called arrogant and even ignorant? I don't know. It's just part of me — I hate to see people around me sad, wish I could make things better, while, a lot of times, I feel I'm the saddest among them all, though I appear to be so upbeat and comfortable.


    A lot things are going through my mind this morning, a lot of them. I don't know why. M43. Uploaded Noah's graduation pictures and videos finally. They looked totally fine when viewed on computer, but for whatever the reason they looked totally crappy on the camera's screen. Sometimes I even suspect that the camera's screen has such a high resolution, that it makes the pictures look very much pixelated, while in reality the photo is such a high resolution that they look perfectly smooth and, sharp, when being squeezed to laptop size, not to mention they will look simply gorgeous when printed on that tiny 4x6. I have been struggling to find the same level of pleasure shooting m43 comparing to the D70 or the D300 I recently purchased as 2nd hand from B&H. Somehow, I feel the Nikon pictures look so much, photo-like, than M43's. Maybe it's because my eyes have been so used to viewing these Nikon photos that even the M43's are better, technically speaking, my brain doesn't appreciate them as such. So that led to read and listen to M43 lens talks, discussions, and ebay listings, even the thought of a switching back to some autofocus lens made for M43 will bring back that photo look. Yet, these Noah pictures looked just fine, even with my Nikon eyes, they look, very nice — sharp, momentary, pretty. I think what I need is just a trust to my gear, to my decision, and to myself.

    human and contradictions

    Another thought. Human is full of, I mean, full of, contradictions. Taking any so called train of thoughts, I find the logic very shaky if to take a close examination of the reasonings. In particular, I am referring to the common wisdom that is used to support such reasonning — these wisdoms are used as if they themselves are the perpetual truth (because they are so aligned with your common sense). I was thinking, when, say, a manager of a team makes a decision →

    1. the Chinese team commonly justifies this that this is efficient →

    2. then, if we continue this reasoning, a common wisdom says there is no free lunch, which we all agree, right, thus if we do gain efficiency, what price are we paying →

    3. certainly, democracy, since not everyone is participating the decision. But, who says democracy is a good thing? Isn't this also a common wisdom? Because by positioning it as the price we pay, we are basing on the idea that democracy is, good. So here is one shaky spot. Let's continue →

    4. what about 少数服从多数? Isn't this also a common wisdom? but we have also heard the tyranny of the majority, or even, 真理总是 掌握在少数人手里, and with my getting older, I do feel the majority of the mass are indeed, pretty clueless and ignorant. So between these two already contradicting wisdoms, I'm leaning towards the latter →

    5. but then, with such single decision maker pattern, wouldn't it be root of all troubles, say, we happen to have an unwise manager!? Even in technical term I'm constantly dealing with the single point of failure. Then, what's the remedy here?

    This reasoning goes on and on and on, and my point is, that these wisdoms themselves are already the flip side of each other, thus shouldn't be, and couldn't be, all true. Therefore, by plugging them into a train of thought to support a view or a conclusion is both convenient, satisfying, and misleading. I don't how to resolve this pattern, sometimes I even suspect the entire language and communication are built-in to have this pattern ← otherwise, communication will not even happen. So it's like an inherent defect in your gene. Nothing you can do about... well, just thought of another common wisdom right here — your strength is also your weakness → thus, this defect must also be the strength of human, I guess.

    late night show

    Listening to late night in the sun is an interesting experience. She has a good voice, really. I can't imagine her age can already speak of life in such a fashion. But I admire this, whether this is a staged show or out of her own mind. She has many good points, and she feels, real. Listening to these can't help me make me think of you. It has been a month now since I wrote you last time, the longest period I have ever had. Not that the emotion has faded and you don't come across my mind as often. No. You are there, still, all the time. I can't tell how many times you were in my sleep, when I was in gym, or playing guitar, or writing blogs, or cooking, or staring at Noah, or drinking coffee in the morning, or sitting in the sun wishing you were there, too... too many times, too constant, too real.

    The feeling of loss is terrible, and I choose not to look at it, as if it doesn't exist, as if it can be different, as if you are still nearby, close to, and missing me, too. But it's ok. I still think the reality of the outcome is better this way, even though the sentiments are crushing for me... I'm too old for you, and I will never never want to burden you to take care of me, when my body is failing, and even my mind might be failing... No! It's not to leave you with an image of health and all that... It's just practical. Aging is such an unpleasant journey as I'm seeing it right now, that I would rather go through it alone. Like a dark tunnel with a dead end, it comforts me to have a company, sure, but once I die and you need to turn back to find way out again, I'll be worried. So my love, this is better, go have a full life the way you wish and can. Just letting me to keep you on the mind is good enough for me.

    On my dying breath, I wish the thought of you will be the last thread leaving me. Let me think of the past, live in the past, and die, in the past, because that's where you were.

    — by Feng Xia


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