It's a morning that you are touched, by a song. Quite out of nowhere when I was just flipping through Youtube trying to find something to watch. Then there was this movie, I probably have watched it before. I can't remember when now. I don't even recall its tune. But when the music was played, it echoed inside me — there were days when I was walking on the bridge in 太原, thinking of the future and Noah's mom, this tune was with me. At some point I actually thought it was something quite beautiful and genuine and I wanted to write it down before I forget. But now to think of it, it must have been there all along since I watched the movie some time ago, just didn't surface till this morning, or that day.
But the song made me think of you. I could feel it, could feel you tossing around inside me as if you were just sleeping there. How real. I think that's the power of music, or should I say the power of missing someone, of loving someone, of wanting someone? Noah was a great boy today. The day didn't start well for him — he played his Prodigy and was happy, until I reminded him of his assignment due in a few days and he needs to work on it. There was silence, heavy silence. But then, he picked up his binder and started working on it. I guess the homework must be quite reasonable because before we hit I-40 exit he said he is all done! How wonderful!
I remember the night, the moment, when you were next to me, and Noah was on your segway zooming around. That was a moment in life when I felt complete, there was nothing I would have asked, nothing. If only life could have ended at that moment, that would have been nice. Here he is, growing, still a boy with lots of boyish thoughts and mischievous ways. He will be fine. But what about you? where are you these days? and what's your life like? and are you happy?
I don't know how many times you fly through my mind each day. A lot, I think. Listening to this song I felt this urge to tear, to miss the ones I have missed in life, the ones who are here no more. I wonder, maybe that's how one should count his/her age — by counting how many lives one has seen its end.
I miss them, Lei, 波波, 臭豆腐, and all the lost loves that had once bestowed on me, but not anymore. Is this fate? destiny? It is interesting that last night I came across a line in the book, which says Buddha is meant to break the cycle of rebirth because life = suffering. So the idea, I guess, is that once you are out of this vicious cycle, your suffering ends and that's when you are saved.
Sometimes I truly feel this is probably how it should go, cause life certainly is not easy. Then there are all the love vows one makes to the other person that if not this life, I vow to try again in the next, and one following till we are together, then we will never part. How touching! If looking from this Buddha lens, what this vow says is an incredible commitment, that I'm willing to go through another cycle of life, to suffer, to live through, and may there be even more of these rounds, because I want to meet you, see you again, and love you again.
This is indeed a noble thought. You are giving up chance to be saved in order to fulfill a love you feel about another person (but if you think of it, how do know s/he has not quit the cycle and has bee saved already?) well, it does make sense though, maybe that's exactly why there are people feeling they are not finding the one they want ← because that person has been saved and is not in this cycle anymore! Oh mine, that's just disappointing, isn't it? Then what? I guess from what I know about Buddha, the only option now is to save yourself as quickly as possible so you could join her in that saved land (suppose the saved are going to the same place. nirvana? heaven? or even hell? does it matter then if your objective is to find that person and be with her? even if the place is called hell or whatever, I think it's irrelevant.)
So here it is, a lovely lovely song. I'll hymn it for you, my love, someday, in some life:
— by Feng Xia