I had a dream, as vivid as it can be, that I was walking next to you. You were wearing the black dress, the one you look so refined and elegant in. I reached out to your hand, but you retrieved it inside your sleeve, and only after a couple tries that I was able to hold it in mine. I couldn't tell whether you were happy or not. You were probably reluctant.

    But, at the moment, I felt so happy. It was like something long lost found, well, it is, a person long lost, found. Then I woke up. 2:30 in the morning. I wanted to text you to tell you that I have a dream of you, again, and it hasn't been there fore a while, and I was really scared that you stopped coming to my dream. Now you are there, again.

    But, I didn't. It's really a struggle for me whether I should continue to be present in your life, or should disappear altogether so that you could have yours without any concern of me. I always think the latter is better, better for you. But then, what am I to judge what's better or worse? am I playing the God's hand again? I always have this tendency to put myself in a superior position as if I am the wise one that knows what's better. Well, not that I'm being arrogant or over self-confident. I actually feel this way because I care so much, want to make the best of, and wish the best for. And yet, everytime, it comes out in such a negative way, at the receiving end anyway, that I felt discredited, unfair, and disappointed.

    Why? I can only think that it must be me, the only common denominator in all these cases, that must have something wrong, a low emotion intelligence, a blant attitude, or just arrogance but myself is not seeing it. However, I know I didn't do anything, say anything, with any intention to be misguiding, looking down on ppl, lecturing, prejudicial, let alone lie or manipulative. I will just kill myself I ever fell into the spell of being someone who lie or is dishonest, because I will be disgusted by myself so much I couldn't be live with myself anymore.

    I miss you. Yes, I do, many many many times. I tried to hide your from my mind, so you could live in a space in me that is not disturbed, quiet, safe, and sweet. Yet, there you are, always stroll out, many times a day, not a word, not a sound, not a smile or a cry, but you are there. I talk to you, somehow, sometimes of things I just did and thought I did it well, so want you to feel proud, to say "I know you are the best"; sometimes just sadness, moments I don't feel like seeing anyone else, talking to anyone else, just you, being there, the only one I still have a wish to talk to, about things that saddens me, bothers me.

    And this dream, feels so real, so real. I don't know whether you felt anything at that moment. Were you sleeping then? Did you hide your hands in your sleeves and didn't want to give it to me? and did you come along to walk by my side?

    I don't know where you are anymore. It's ok that none of these has been true, it's ok it's a dream that it disappears when I wake up. I still feel it, as real as it could be, as wonderful as it could be, because it had you, in it.

    — by Feng Xia


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